Gross, bizarre, repulsive. These adjectives are commonly used to describe the descendants of Ireland. They drink, they fight, they eat cabbage and they drink. These simple creatures are often times the butt of hilarious jokes, insults and physical harassment.
In order to understand the Irish, it's important to be educated pertaining to their origins and development.
Stages of Development.
1. Fresh Hatchling
-The eggs of an Irish woman are white with green spots, not unlike those of Yoshi. The Irish embryo feeds on a concoction of cheap self produced moonshine, until the hatchling is strong enough to escape the confines of the shell. Many hatchlings never hatch, as they become prey to owls and other predators.
2. Pupa Stage
-A build up of calcium and sugars produde a sturdy shell. The Irish dwell in the forests or cornfields, feeding on insects with a projectile, sticky tongue. They're also able to swim in puddles and feed off moss and algae. After a mere two weeks, the pupa Irishman sheds his exoskeleton and moves to the next stage of life.
3. Cocoon Stage
-Many human children capture young Irish pupas, as a source of recreation. They sometimes keep the Irish in a clear plastic container, and add a leaf, stick and grass-clippings as means to recreate their natural environment. Then, the Irish pupa entraps itself within a cocoon built in silks produced by it's butthole. It remains here throughout the cold winter.
4. Irish Infant
-In the cocoon stage, the Irish child develops hands, feet, facial features and genitals. It's very susceptible to infection and disease until it's immunities build against potato famines and other deadly diseases. For the first 2 months, it needs it's head supported at all times, and either feeds off breast booze from the mother, or a bottle of alcohol no less than 5.5% alcohol by volume.
The Irish have come a long way throughout history. A separate chart of evolution was made in order to display how far the Irish have come since the dawn of man.
From the early Leprechaun hatchling, all the way to modern day Mark Wahlberg, the Irish have encountered numerous alterations to their physical appearance. At one point, the Irish were tanks from the knees down, complete with flabby, unflattering breasts. Even further on, the Irish began trying to mate with bluegills. In the early 1920's, Irish men began the trend of using pomade and other products in order to manipulate and sculpt their facial and pubic hair. Thus inventing the handlebar pubestache. Finally, the modern Irishman isn't necessarily cursed with the red hair, freckles or the inability to speak without a shower of saliva spewing forth from their mouth. Although, the immediate offset of rage and hatred as a result of personal insecurity and penis envy still is very prevalent (As seen with prominent actor, Mark Wahlberg.)
Reproduction
As it becomes mating season for an Irish pair, they go through physical changes. An exoskeleton develops beginning near the thorax, and extends down to abdomen. A light fuzz grows on the arms and legs during arousal. These act as means to pollinate the room with an everlasting stench of corned beef. The eyes of both sexes become compound, and wings develop. The male erection is actually a shillelagh, and plays a song during intercourse. The female excretes a corrosive, acidic green substance from the vagina, which is highly toxic. The substance destroys the Irish erection after relations occur. After the eggs are inseminated, the female decapitates the male, and eats the severed head. Primarily because Irish chicks are perennially pissed off and aggressive nearly all the time. Finally, a Hazmat team of 12 is all too often dispatched in order to quarantine any witnesses or properly dispose of excess of vaginal fluid.
Laying Eggs
After the act of mating occurs, and arousal ends, the female reverts back to her naturally chubby, pale and stench-ridden self. The average age of Irish pregnancy is between 15 and 18 years of age, which cascades perfectly along the typical timeline of laying her eggs in the top-tank of a toilet in the school bathroom during senior prom. The act of defecating in the upper tank of a toilet is known as an "upper decker". However, laying between 7-10 Irish eggs is much more vile, and infinitely smellier. 45% of all Irish eggs are found by school janitors, heated up using a cigarette lighter and backwards spoon, and subsequently injected into the bloodstream. The high it produces, creates massive hallucinations, a relaxed opiate painkiller, delusions of grandeur, and an unexplained desire to listen to The Dropkick Murphys.
However, when a man not of Irish decent impregnates an Irish woman, the birth is that of a conventional human. However, many doctors are injured every year, by unprotected deliveries from Irish mothers. Due to the sheer mass, fluidity, and advanced mechanics of an Irish woman's vagina, doctors are forced to don full major league baseball catchers gear in order to protect themselves as well as the construction of the room.
Irish babies are thrust forth from the uterus at speeds of up to 92 mph. Depending on the grip of the forehead upon extraction, some babies curve or slide. Occasionally, a wild birth occurs, where the doctor misses a signal, of the uterus loses grip of the head during birth. This occurs in instant death of the child, but more importantly thousands of dollars of damage to the building.
This brings us to the topic of Irish gynecology. In all 50 states of the United States of America, it's illegal to use a naked eye, or speculum to view the inside of an Irish woman's vagina. First off, the stench alone is enough to kill 7 eskimos. Many have died before even witnessing what awaits within the depths of such hellacious Irish vag flaps. Tall tales are told, of sailors weak with scurvy and rickets who were promptly swatted into the ocean by an angry menstrual labia.
Irish women's vagina's are actually capable of maintaining their own parallel universes. As seen above, an abundance of genital warts, and blinding blonde pubic hair are common. Other conditions include lopsided labia's (seen here), inverted clitoris's, and an occasional appearance by 90's alternative acts, Smash Mouth. This specific vagina shown here, (as viewed by a shoebox constructed pinhole eclipse viewer) displays yet another meeting of the Ku Klux Klan, burning a cross. In the background, a parallel but similar atrocity comparable to our 9/11 is in process. The primary difference being, inside an Irish woman's cooch, ground zero is everywhere.
As Irish children develop, they have the same light-hearted, adorable tendencies as humans. However, by age 5, the natural Irish mannerisms begin to develop, and segregated Irish preschools develop.
As seen above, little Abagail McGinnis lights a bong packed with marijuana sprayed down with Windex for Shamus O'Reilly. Abagail is also holding a straw stolen from a local Wendy's, and plans on snorting multiple lines of cocaine she purchased from threatening Mexican man with a little moustache. Brody McGillicuddy pours another Steel Reserve 40 ounce bottle in what's known as a 'beer bong' for his playmate Molly O'Conner. Meanwhile, laying next to a bottle of open pills, good ole' Cassidy McIntire ties himself off, and injects himself with pure Columbian heroin that he found searching through mommy's purse.
Irish kids love to play.
The Anatomy Of An Irish Man
To further understand the Irish, it's a good idea to comprehend the mechanics of how they exist.
First off, the Irish man's hairline recedes by age 16. Their beards come in fully by age 21. These beards are often used to store cookie crumbs and bar pretzels. The primary difference between Irish and humans is the complex cardiovascular system. In Irish adults, the fully shaped heart is a small, fist sized cabbage. This pumps, and distributes a draft Guiness beer throughout the entire body. This beer allows the Irish man to function even without it's essential binge drinking on a daily basis. A pot belly develops early in the 20's, and is used to store excess beers and potatoes in case of a long winter, or a Doogie Howser, M.D. marathon. Finally, all Irish men wear knee-high, orange striped socks, and pee-stained discounted underwear from Wal-Mart. All of them.
Anatomy Of An Irish Woman
The Irish ladies have the same vital functions as the Irish man, although an extremely complex reproductive system capable of producing up to 28 children in a calender year. It's also capable of birthing most other mammals, and even some specimen of endangered marine-life. (Irish chicks are totally into beastiality.) Irish women are typically seen with blonde or red hair, freckles, and often abuse their children in public. As seen here, that babies arm is freaking broken. That mom is all like "I don't care, I'm too concerned with flirting with a black guy in a du-rag to make my husband jealous and shit."
Irish women get progressively chubbier in the belly region as they give birth. Eventually in their 30's, it's mandatory for them to use a scooter as primary means of transportation around a Kohls, as they seek fancy wine charms even though they only drink cheap beer and grocery store brand liquor.
Random facts:
Irish people poop potatoes. Their digestive systems use starches and top soil in order to produce potato poops. Like dogs, Irish people sniff and commonly eat their own fecal matter.
If Irish girls go too long without drinking, their faces WILL melt. That is an unfortunate fact of life. However, after looking at an Irish girls face, the dripping skin and rotting flesh is actually a mild improvement.
Summer Recreation
Guess which girl is Irish. if you said, the flaming potato hooker on the right, you'd be correct! Actually, due to all the alcohol in their blood streams, Irish skanks are 1000% more susceptible to sunburn, 1st degree sunburn, skin cancer, and spontaneous combustion. Booze is flammable, and Irish chicks are 90% booze. Do some math, Asians.
Movies
Irish dudes love 'Rudy'. All Irish boys dream of going to Notre Dame. A school where even the repulsive, pale, virginal political science majors have a chance fingerpopping an equally as gross Irish girl after a bootleg DVD and a bottle of pills in their dorm room. "Rudy" gives Irish men shillelagh erections. It's rumored for a brief period of time, Irish men actually develop a small pigment of vagina in the region that their taint/chode/grundle occupies. Rudy gets carried off the field and Irish men sob uncontrollably. The most important fact about 'Rudy' is within the dialogue in the illustration. Rudy's only friend died in the steel mill, and to this day both Sean Astin and Rudy are only 5 foot nothing, and completely friendless and lonely.
Books:
Irish People Can Never Find That Damn Waldo.
Irish people are for the most part, inbred and illiterate. Unless the objective of the book is to "relax your eyes" to discover a 3-D tyrannosaurus rex. Or, find Waldo amongst a whole bunch of other douches, wizards, retards, bumblefucks and pap smears. Irish people never seem to find the elusive Waldo.
Although, he's made himself seen recently, urinating on an old, gay leprechaun and a random dancing hipster slut. As for books, no Irish man has read anything beyond paperback Goosebumps books. I would know, because I'm Irish and 'Monster Blood' is the greatest piece of literature I've ever tackled.
Music:
Contemporary Irish Music
Irish people listen to the following bands:
-Dropkick Murphy's
-Creed
-Blessid Union Of Souls
-Sister Hazel
-Vertical Horizon
-U2 (Even though Bono was born a hermaphrodite and a bedwetter.)
It's common for Irish people to be about a decade or so behind current rock. They still use myspace, and are never sober enough to remember lyrics beyond the chorus. The Irish used to be huge fans of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
However, even Irish people are sick about song after song after song after freaking song about California. Everybody knows where you are from guys. WE KNOW. Given the option of another Chili Peppers song about California, of listening to the sheer horror of loud, talkative intercourse between Fran Drescher and Gilbert Gottfried, I would choose the latter.
Billy Idol is another widely tolerated musician. However, the majority of his songs are about pedophilia.
And Irish folks refuse to "rock the cradle of love". That shit is not cool.
The same Amber Alert concerns are only amplified for leprechauns. Those creepy little pedophiles have all kinds of nasty tricks up their sleeves. If your child is on a little league team coached by a leprechaun, check his butthole for ginger pubes, and alert the authorities. Their riddles only lead to empty promises of Skittles and kittens. Leprechauns have nothing good to offer anyone. (Except for Lucky Charms.)
Religion:
All Irish Are Catholics.
All Irish people firmly believe that Jesus died for your sins. They also complain about the commercialism of Christmas, yet still vividly decorate their trailor park homes. Irish people are thankful for Jesus, and although very few have actually even tried to read or listen to The Bible on tape, they still firmly stand by their beliefs.
Although, Easter scares the potato poops out of the Irish. When some drunken dildo told Irish kids "Jesus came back on Easter", they deducted that Zombie Jesus was much less forgiving and friendly than regular ole' Jesus.
Many Irish children roll around in their poorly constructed race car beds contemplating who would win in a wrestling match between Jesus and Zombie Jesus. The mindfuck of whether or not Zombie Jesus would tap out in the boston crab is enough to confuse anyone, much less innocent retarded Irish children.
In addition to Jesus, Irish people also worship the young man who played "Donkeylips" on the Nickelodeon series 'Salute Your Shorts'.
When rocking their children to sleep, and assuring them that Satan and that greasy crackwhore Courtney Love won't slay them in their slumber...Irish parents reassure their children by describing Donkeylips and Jesus hanging out in the poorly built treehouse by drunken daddy, outside. They're playing cards, telling tales, and fighting the deeds of the Devil. Like a couple of ole' buddies.
Due to these fables...The real life Donkeylips has full immunity to do whatever the fuck a Donkeylips does.
As pictured above, this essentially allows Donkeylips a fearless mindset, lacking any concern of repercussions- Seen here, waving a skewered fetuses with an unbent clothes hanger. Stomping on orphans faces, and destroying the Stradivarius, Action Comics #1, a Babe Ruth signed baseball, and an autographed copy of a Led Zeppelin vinyl record. In addition, wikipedia says that Donkeylips is a recovered PCP addict. I'm not quite sure if that's real or not, but it made me laugh so hard that I dribbled urine from my peen.
The Irish Pecking Order Of Worship Goes Like This:
1. Jesus
2. Donkeylips
3. The Ultimate Warrior
4. Tooth Fairy
5. Steve Irwin
6. Zack Morris
7. Mother Nature
8. Gambit
9. R2D2
10. King Hippo
Politics:
After the 2008 election, Irish people were no longer allowed to register to vote. Based on names alone, a few Irish people voted for McCain instead of that black fellow. However a resounding majority yet again abused the 'write-in' feature, and voted for Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer is a fictional CTU agent on the recently cancelled TV show '24'. Neither he, nor Kiefer Sutherland have ever run for any political office, or verbally expressed any desire to do so.
Fashion:
Irish people dress like idiots. Some chubby chicks muffin top their shit around the state fairs searching for new baby daddys. Some Irish dudes neglect to wear t-shirts, but instead wear queer plaid shorts and sit shotgun in a pickup truck with their foot hanging on the window, as Kid Rock blares on blown speakers and a novelty ballsack dangles from a rusted trailer hitch.
But one thing the Irish don't tolerate is excessive douche baggery.
The only form of humanity even lower than the Irish are known as the "Modern Douche'. These dildos go tanning until they're emitting a creepy orange glow. They also wear ridiculous Ed Hardy t-shirts. Ed Hardy is a designer who makes everything look really gay. Skulls, flowers, lips and angel wings are often forced onto a t-shirt without any reasoning or creative logic. Morons see these shirts and say "Oh, that's dope!", and suddenly white people everywhere are disgraced. The Modern Douche also buys New Era baseball hats, leaves the stickers on them, and allows the bill of the hat to remain unbent, and sometimes tilted up. These hats are also cocked to the side, although the Modern Douche has no affiliation with neither the Bloods nor Crips. Tribal arm-band tattoo, cubic zirconia studs, Fossil watch, novelty spinner belt-buckle, and overly sculpted facial hair are all further signs of douche. Irish people hate douches almost as much as Irish people hate Scottish people.
That's scary, because the Scottish are the only people on Earth paler than the Irish. They're actually translucent, and exceptional boxers.
Another comparison often made is, the Irish people to Leukemia patients.
The similarities are overwhelming. Both appear to have no eyebrows. Although most Irish people actually do have an eery, glowing orange coating of eyebrow. Leukemia patients are completely hairless from the chemotherapy. Irish people actually shave and eat their own pubic hair. Both the leukemia patient and the Irish patient are pitied to a degree. Although, leukemia patients receive unlimited prescriptions of oxycontin. Irish people only receive unlimited prescriptions of rejection. Leukemia patients are brave fighters. Whereas, the Irish people get boners from their siblings.
Incest:
The Adventures Of Pete & Pete. Or The Adventures Of Pete IN Pete?
Even Irish celebrities practice incest. These two mischievous love birds open mouth kiss, while Artie- The Strongest Man In The World looks on with diligent concern.
While practicing incest has been looked down upon since the stone ages, the Irish continue to defy convention and get shillelagh boners from co-ed shower time.
Big Pete and Little Pete entertained the masses for years. All the while whispering into one anothers ear "You smell like mom" before savage butt-relations occured.
Irish Facts & Fiction.
Fact: Irish Strippers Sob Rainbows
Fiction: David Bowie's Bulge Wrote The 'Labyrinth' Soundtrack By Itself
(Truth: Bowie and a bunch of yuppie dinks with ponytails actually wrote it.)
Irish People Are Confused:
How come Marty McFly always "Shakes it like a poloroid picture"? Even when there isn't any music playing!
Actually, Marty McFly suffers from Parkinsons Disease. Everyone knows a Hover Board doesn't work on water, and that Marty McFly gives horrible haircuts.
Irish People Remain Confused:
Where the hell is Lisa Turtle from? What kind of ancestry is the Turtle family? That bitch must be from the Galapagos. If Screech had given her a dirty sanchez, you wouldn't even be able to tell. (Because the melanin in her skin, makes her pigment brown.) Why's that turtle talking to her? Where do babies come from?
Random interests of the Irish:
1. Irish Stepdance
-A bunch of creepy, freckled Irish whores wear wigs, stupid old traditional Victorian dresses and jump around while some ginger fag plays a song on his own shillelagh boner. They tap-dance around, until the audience gets drunk, and ritualistically beats the shit out of them with a sock full of gold coins.
2. Glory Holes
-Lonely Irish retards stick their wieners through a hole in a public restroom, and an eccentric hermaphrodite, covered in oral cold sores puts it in his/her mouth. Then, they go home with a smile, and poop out some potatoes from their buttholes.
3. IRA (Irish Republic Army)
-Some geriatric, Irish losers with really old saggy balls, made some bombs and blew up a bunch of people. The victims of these attacks, were marked because they decided, "Hey, maybe Irish people shouldn't tongue kiss and spoon-snuggle with their siblings." So the old boners made a bunch of bombs from cabbage leaves and liquor, and defended the right to give their sisters facials. (But not the kind from the spa.)
Irish People Don't Know The Difference Between A Bear And A Bear:
Irish people are even more terrified of the one that doesn't like honey.
Some prominent Irish people are racist.
The Ultimate Warrior is not a fan of the colored huxtables, gays, Jewish people, or left-wing politics. He is however a fan of arm tassles, face-painting, and gorilla pressing opponents.
Dog The Bounty Hunter claims that black people can't swim. Well, if they were married to your wife Dog, they wouldn't need to. Those floatation devices could have saved millions during the tsunamis.
Random Conflicts:
Irish people have a lot of rage built up from within. They drink and they fight. Sometimes they actually kill. But rest assured, they always drink.
Mexican People
Irish people really hate Mexicans. Almost as much as they hate oranges. Due to this, the directives are to "shoot on site" if an Irishman ever steps foot on Home Depot property. (Because Mexicans are there stealing supplies to roof with.)
Gay People
Irish people really hate homosexuals. Mostly based on jealousy. Gay men are typically more organized, educated, better looking and much more hygienic than the Irish. Basically, Irish people are still really pissed off that re-runs of 'Will & Grace' are still on TV. In addition, Irish people strongly feel that "gay" is contageous. Hey, some Irish people have swords!
Hippies
Irish people have no tolerance for tree-hugging, liberal hippy douches. In this picture, an Irish man in khaki slacks is putting an end to a drum circle. Irish people can't stand Dave Matthews, Phish, hemp bracelets, veganism, organic food, soybeans, sandals, and community college. But they do like using piano wire as a weapon.
Asians
Irish people have no need for mathematics. They jumped and cheered at the end of 'Bloodsport' when Chong-Li was defeated. They don't like bukkake, and worry about it everytime an Asian man buys a tarp. Irish people believe that karate is a bunch of nonsense, and don't trust anyone with a genetic lack of peripheral vision. (They've got squinty eyes.) Irish people really like kittens. And eating kittens is not cool, okay? Hitting an Asian man with a mace isn't cool either, but that balding Irish virgin really needed a companion, more than Phuk Yu needed dinner.
African-Americans
Okay, I'll admit this is tasteless. I forgot the bottle of generic grape soda. Sorry, my bad. But Jamal died a happy man, with a whole mouthfull of watermelon seeds. At least our Irish friend poured a 40 to the curb for the homies no longer with us. Black men are seen as a direct threat towards apple-bottomed, pale faced, blonde Irish women, muffin topping their old high school gym shorts. Irish men feel entitlement to these wenches.
Emo's
This is my buddy Dan, and he's just slicing the throat of some whiny emo pussy. That's what Dan does! Emo kids sit on the benches at shopping malls, and listen to Simple Plan over and over again on their iPods. They're androgynous by nature, and actually procreate by bending their limp, lonely weiners, into their bleak, heartless vaj-ay-jays. Irish people don't like butt-babies. They also hate whiny music, where a bunch of kids with trust funds complain about a girl they never actually had the courage to ask out on a date. Emo kids write haikus, cover their vehicles with the band stickers of unsigned bands, and poop in the bathtub.
Catfish
Irish people have zero tolerance for catfishing. If you're a catflish, or you associate with catfish, be on the lookout for hoards of Irish people. They're all rage, with a hurricane of uppercuts and box-cutters. Do not catfish around the Irish. Do not pretend to catfish or be a catfish around the Irish. This is a very touchy subject for them, and there is no grey area. If you speak highly of catfish, or roughly resemble a catfish in anyway, you will endure their wrath. It's okay to swim, congregate with trout or even have a tropical fish tank. Irish people's butthole's begin to flare, and they cannot suppress the urge to roundhouse kick a catfish in the face during an encounter. This is very important.
Jewish People.
Oy vey! Irish people enjoy money. The typical Irish woman makes $12,000/year as a Dairy Queen brazier operator. The typical Irish man dances for nickels alongside subways in the Boston area. Jewish people have lots of money, gold, herbs and spices. These are all in demand amongst the Irish population. Jewish scrotums are full of rare Indian-head coins. Often times, Irish people will wait along the state-line of New Jersey and look for well-maintained Mercury Sables to cross the border. Oh yeah, and Irish people are still pretty pissed about what happened to Jesus.
Other people the Irish despise...
-Inbred bumblefuck hillbillies.
-Communists
-Eskimos
-Other Irish people
-Germans
-Midgets
-Retards
-Ghostbusters
In conclusion, Irish people don't have the same chemical make-up or sense of morality that seems to be common in the rest of humanity. They're aggressive alcoholics, perverts, drug addicts, serial killers and retards. If you see an Irish person, keep your distance. They have poor eyesight, so if they seem agitated, stand still. They'll eventually forget about you, and remember that's it's time for yet another habitual drink or a box of Lucky Charms.
If you know an Irish person, alert them of the dangers of allowing ginger sluts to play songs on their shillelagh boners.
Furthermore, if you're a human and an Irish woman extends the desire to procreate, stay away. The corrosive acid will burn away at a humans skin. Having intercourse with an Irish woman is the equivalent of finding an old sandwich along the sidewalk. You don't know where it's been, don't put that in your mouth. If you're lucky enough, your mom will slap the top of your hand and replace the urge with a tupperware full of Cheerios.
And finally, for no reason at all: The man, the myth, the legend:
Norman Poophouse
Norman often recites an old Irish limerick, after he's been consuming his Irish quota of 18 beers a night.
"I don't want your number (no)
I don't want to give you mine and (no)
I don't want to meet you nowhere (no)
I don't want none of your time and (no)
I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friends ride
Trying to holla at me."
Use this knowledge in the face of anger and confusion, you faggots.
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