We all remember Link as the heroic avenger in 'Legend Of Zelda'.
Link courageously battled his way through multiple gauntlets, collected Rupees, and ultimately defeated the evil Gannon. After obtaining the mystical triforce, and saving the Princess, life took multiple twists and turns for Link.
"That silly bitch got kidnapped every other week." he recalls with a prominent lisp and limp wristed expression. "Finally, we settled down to start a family...We never actually had sexual intercourse. The sex education in Hyrule was just awful. I was under the impression she's be impregnated by a firm handshake or a pleasant stork. Then, she'd poop out a child." He later confided to me by referring to Zelda's vagina as, "A cavernous abyss, which smelled like a garbage bag full of dead fish on the sidewalk during a hot summers day." Finally, Zelda was impregnated. At this point, in the interview Link begins to softly weep. He struggles to explain the story which unfolded in Hyrule Hospital.
"When the doctor said it was a boy, I was so excited" How so?, I ask "I went into song- Surprise, surprise, puppy surprise. How many puppies are there inside?" That excitement turned into life altering bitterness after Link laid eyes on his son. "Wasn't mine." he directly stated. "I told her she was a frickin' whore! I saved that stubble cooched whore from Gannon too many times for her to turn around and let King Hippo blow his load inside her yeast infected box."
Link would move out of Hyrule, and into San Francisco. Fascinated by hipster culture, Link began to frequently see live concerts. "I listen to Passion Pit, Panic At The Disco, Menomena, Fall Out Boy and other stuff that dykes and fags enjoy...I wanted to be part of the scene." In the middle of Lilith Fair, Link got into a verbal spat with a group of lesbians.
"They did. They stole it. I've had this fabulous haircut since 1987. That's when I decided that all women were icky, and I wanted nothing more to do with their pap smears, girl vaginas and scented douches." Link became a gay rights advocate, and was romantically linked to Don Flaminco for a number of years. These days, Link is the manager of a downtown Dairy Queen in San Francisco.
"It's faaaabulous!" He exclaims while placing his hand on his hip, and looking off into the distance. "I AM the Dairy Queen. I hope Princess Zelda rots in hell" after receiving the news she'd yet again been kidnapped by Gannon. "I hope he fucks that stupid bitch was a gasoline soaked cactus." Suffice to say, there aren't enough Rupees in the world to initiate another rescue mission. ""I already have the triforce. I wake up every morning with my skidmarks smeared on the front on another sexy man's underwear. What else could Link the Tink ever ask for?"
The story of Mega Man is a depressing one.
After battling the demented Dr. Wily a number of times, Mega Man finally realized what he was missing in his life. True love. Unfortunately, the laws of love do not coincide with the laws of sexual consent. A journal found by police in a South American hotel read. "I just....I don't know. Noboby knows what it's like when a robot boner rages out of control. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, with my sheets damp with motor oil and hydro fluid. Doused in my own shame." This sexual confusion eventually lead to a forbidden love. After watching the TV show 'Small Wonder', Mega Man became infatuated with the young, adolescent robot girl, Vicky.
They met, and immediately fell into a forbidden love for the ages.
The journal goes on to read, "She was so aesthetically pleasing. Call it whatever you will, but I call it true love." Unfortunately, the state of California called it Amber Alert. Mega Man abducted Vicky, then falsified documents creating a legal marriage. After 3 weeks of a Bonny & Clyde inspired adventure evading authorities, Vicky broke it off with Mega Man. Mega Man continued his life on the run, encountering a whole new plethora of bosses.
The final exert in Mega Man's journal read- "I need another girlfriend about as bad as America needs another Red Hot Chili Peppers song about California."
Both of their whereabouts are unknown at this time...
My next interview was with a small, three legged red alien. His name was Toe Jam, and you may remember him from 'Toe Jam & Earl'.
These two natives from the planet Funkotron, crashed their space ship, and struggled to find the scattered components necessary to fly home. Toe Jam slowly walked in, with a defined urban swagger. I greeted him, and he sat down. "What happened with Earl?", I enquire. At that point in time, Toe Jam hocked a loogie and spat on the floor, animating disgust towards his former friend. "That motherfucker is dead to me, dawg." Toe Jam goes on to explain the specific deviancy which lead to their separation.
"Sheeeeeeeit, after we got back to Funkotron, that fat bitch got into some freaky shit." Toe Jam continued to describe Earl's crazy sex parties involving underaged teenagers. "I'm a thug. But I ain't into that shit, yo. I dipped outta Funkotron, and moved to the west coast to meet up with my homies." Toe Jam was then introduced as the newest artist with Death Row Records.
Toe Jam released his major label debut in 1994, featuring the single "My Third Leg Ain't My Dick" The single did not receive much mainstream airplay, but was praised widely among members of The Bloods. Toe Jam left Death Row Records with the blessing of good friend Suge Knight, to pursue other projects. After being out of the public eye for over 10 years, Toe Jam resurfaced breakdancing at a shopping mall.
Unfortunately, a small child had gotten away from her negligent, useless parents and Toe Jam accidentally kicked the baby in the face. "Fuck that punk bitch baby! That whore got dealt with." The video became a youtube sensation, and Toe Jam was thrusted back into the mainstream.
In a nasty incident, Toe Jam auditioned for American Idol. Having snuck a weapon into the audition, he fired twice directly into the face of Paula Abdul.
"Turned out to be no big thing", Toe Jam explained. "They just built a robot out of popsicle sticks and wax. Nobody even fucking noticed." No charges were filed, and viewers seemed much more fond of the robotic Paula, anyway.
Earl's story is much more disturbing. He wasn't able to be reached for comment, nor is he up for parole for another 9 years. However, police records were obtained explaining his descent into a sick perverted underworld. After Toe Jam left, Earl opened up a bicycle shop. Two boys, Arnold and his friend Dudley frequently visited. Without understanding Earl's perverse intentions, the boys allowed Earl to serve them wine, watch x-rated cartoons, and eat delicious pies.
Finally, Arnold told his father, Mr. Drummond and he alerted the police. Subsequently, the police raided Earl's Bicycle Shop, finding a bevy of child pornography hidden away in the back room. They also found a rusted van around the side of the shop. The contents of the van included Skittles, Pokemon cards, Fruit Roll-Ups, and a torn and tattered pair of Alvin & The Chipmunks footy pajamas. Earl stood trial, and was sent to a maximum security intergalactic sex offender prison.
Earl was reported to tell a prison guard, "I like my sexual partners like I like my donuts- Day old and glazed."
These knuckleheads should have listened to Wilford Brimley's diabetes supply advice.
You could probably beat them in a foot race. You could also be a huge dick, and buy them socks for Christmas.
Little Mac was the 17 year old, 100 pound boxing phenomenon featured in 'Mike Tyson's Punchout'.
Starting from Glass Joe and going all the way to Mike Tyson, Little Mac quickly found himself on top of the world. "A lot of the credit belongs to Doc. Everytime I was beat up, he'd rub my shoulders and my health vastly improved. Then, he'd steal my bike and wouldn't give it back until I bought him a grape soda and some fried chicken. They were intense work outs." Of course, he's referring to Doc Lewis, Mac's longtime manager. "When Doc left, I just wasn't the same.", Mac recalls.
Doc went on to a successful acting career. He was most well known in his portrayal of Carl Winslow from the TV sitcom 'Family Matters'.
Shortly after his departure, Mac lost his championship title to an upstart young brawler from the early 90's named Norman Poophouse. "That guy was an animal. He came to the ring wearing slap bracelets, light-up sneakers and a fanny pack. I took him for granted."
Little Mac was knocked out in round 2. "It was fun while it lasted. But, my retirement gave me the leisure time necessary to collect Star Wars paraphernalia, and buy myself a race car bed." Mac's reign as champion was short, but sweet. Little Mac, now 36 years old still resides in his parents house.
"Move out? Are you kidding me?!" Mac exclaims. "My mom cuts the crust off my grilled cheese sandwiches, and I drive a Chrysler Lebarron! With a tape player! I'm a team leader at Target, and I drink water from a Brita purifier. Life is pretty gosh darned good."
Other fighters from the circuit managed to find notoriety after boxing.
Super Macho Man, the tanned bodybuilder known for his dancing boobs was arrested in a Jewel/Osco supermarket. In the midst of a steroid fueled rage, he assaulted a downs syndrome ridden employee with a box of Count Chocula. Eventually he was tasered and taken into custody, charged with assault.
In an embarrassing twist, his nipples exploded with breast milk during the apprehension. Police found anabolic steroids, testosterone, horse tranquilizers, and a box of stolen enemas in his vehicle. His probation ends within the year, and reports claim he intends on having intercourse with your mother. Yes, your mother.
Another fighter, Soda Popinski found moderate success as a host on Russian CNN, broadcasted specifically towards Soviet nationalists.
His notoriously racist commentary has made him popular amongst religious fanatics, Neo-Nazis, Soviets, and alcoholics.
When asked his opinion about religion and premarital sex, Soda claimed "God doesn't mind a little anal." These remarks lead to an increase in Russian girls walking bowl legged down the hallways, and a decrease in national bean prices.
His characteristic bottle of soda on-air, has become his trademark. He also builds miniature penguins from cat feces, and hurls them at his executive producer to key the end of the show.
My next interview was with a man named Axel Stone. Axel arrived 2 hours late, eating a box of Burger King cheesy tots. He smacked me on the shoulder, then spun the chair around, sitting down in a manner similar to how Zack Morris would sit at The Max. He'd lost most of his hair, and grown a goatee. The man did not age well. Axel, Blaze and Adam fought the forces of Mr. X, in order to bring peace and justice back to the city. They were featured in the game 'Streets Of Rage'.
After defeating Mr. X, Axel and Blaze engaged in a 2 year courtship before finally tying the knot.
So, what happened with Blaze?, I ask. "Oh man", he initially responds. "All went downhill after we got fucking hitched, broseph." Police records show multiple domestic dispute complaints. The final incident occurring during the pregnancy of their second child. "I was all fucked up, dude. Allll fucked up. Weed, peyote, booze, pills. And that damn broad was going on and on about her stupid fucking water breaking or some dumb shit....So I tried to roundhouse kick her face off."
This final straw lead to a separation between Axel and Blaze. Also fueling Axel's deep descent into hard narcotics. "Man, I'd do anything for a fix, bro." Axel reminisces. "I bare knuckle uppercutted an old fucking slut buying cake decorations in a craft store. Just for some heroin, and a Charleston Chew." Axel recalls hitting rock bottom, shortly after.
"I always thought Zangief was some bear fucking, fruit loop." This perception was amplified during a drug binge outside a Pizza Hut in central Idaho. "That motherfucker sold me 2 grams of heroin. In exchange I had to lube up a mitten and give him a handjob."
Axel had officially hit rock bottom.
"I went to rehab. I see my kids twice a month, and I went back to fucking college! I'm a Goddamn gym teacher at a middle school. Dodgeball Thursdays, I don't have students, I have targets."
Axel Stone was promptly fired days after our interview was made public. At which point he told his boss "Reverse the Sassmouth Express back into Silent Station."
As for Blaze, she became an exotic dancer at a club named The Hairy Triforce. After Axel, she met up with an old enemy of the Streets Of Rage posse.
Donovan-
Blaze and Donovan are still married to this day, and planning to start a family of their own. Blaze denied our request for an interview, but did respond to a question regarding Axel.
"Being married to that guy was more irritating than having to listen to Gilbert Gottfried fuck Fran Drescher in her unlubricated butthole."
The final tale is a sad story of tragedy. 'Super Mario Brothers' featured painfully stereotypical Italians, Mario and Luigi.
Their goal was to rescue the Princess from the clutches of serial rapist, Bowser. They collected coins, ate mushrooms, threw fireballs, and traveled discreetly through pipes. After finally defeating Bowser, the trio of Mario, Luigi and the Princess lived in virtual utopia within the welcoming confines of Princess Peach's castle. One fateful day, Princess announced that she was with child. Everyone simply assumed her and Mario had finally conceived.
The controversy surrounding the pregnancy unlocked Pandora's box. Box, not being used as a euphemism for Peach's moldy, half eaten Hot Pocket-esq vag-jayjay. After the child's birth, Maury Povich was consulted in order to perform a DNA test. A gaggle of prospective fathers were featured on the show. Yoshi, Goomba, Koopa Troopa, Toad, Boo, A Boy & His Blob, E. Honda, Mario and Luigi all supplied their DNA for testing.
The mystery of Princess's child was enough to cause a split between the brothers. Luigi moved out of the castle, and back in with his mother. In doing so, he vowed never to speak to Mario again. After abusing the old woman physically and verbally, she had no other option but to kick Luigi out.
It was a very quiet Mother's Day.
This final betrayal from his family directly caused Luigi to slide into a deep depression. He began posting emo poetry on xanga, and cried furiously while he masturbated with his penis to suicidegirls. After becoming heavily involved with the goth/emo counter-culture, Luigi formed a band alongside Simon Beaumont, Earthworm Jim, Paperboy and Sonya Blade.
They called themselves The Kinetic Dildo, playing a dark, depressing brand of synth/glam rock with a gothic twist. The androgynous band was inspired by Bauhaus, Placebo, and The Cure. The primary differences being, that The Kinetic Dildo sucked really bad. After briefly opening up for Deadsy, the band hit a rough patch. Paperboy later leaked to the press that Luigi had become a megalomaniacal monster. Paperboy also disclosed his own personal regiment of drawing a face on his penis before bed, and singing Papa Roach singles with it. Sonya Blade left the band to create a performance art piece based on the Nightmare Before Christmas. Shortly after, Earthworm Jim was found dead in an apparent auto-erotic asphyxiation. The band went on indefinite hiatus, and Luigi disappeared completely, not heard from since.
Mario went down a much different path. A world wide celebrity, Mario opted to run for public office. His celebrity status and passionate political speeches were the groundwork for an ambitious career. After a term as Senator from Illinois, Mario officially announced his decision to run for President of The United States of America. His platform of change during an economic recession was viewed as welcome alteration in regime. His supporters included people with absolutely no realistic political knowledge combined with those with even less ability to analyze economic patterns.
Mario was soon selected as the Democratic nominee for President. He later went on to win the election in November, and become America's first filthy, pasta eating, greaseball, calzone fornicating Italian President. During his Presidency, Mario encountered a great deal of economic, political and international pressure. His Presidency was clouded in controversy. Hurricane Katrina devistated New Orleans, and during a live televised benefit concert, one of Mario's harshest critics spoke up, much to the chagrin of Mike Myers.
This effictively began a fued between President Mario and Sonic The Hedgehog.
Mario disregarded the feud in the press, but Sonic continued to speak out against President Mario's character and international relations. Sonic the Hedgehog had openly questioned the President's integrity in a series of quasi-artistic rap songs, and mainstream interviews. Controversy forced Mario to assemble his Cabinet and explain new policies in a State of the Union address. Vice President Guile, Secretary of State Peppy Hare, and Secretary of Defense Kirby were all instrumental in creating a rapport between the President and middle class America.
The American public began to understand the difficult decisions encountered between fiscal policy and homeland security.
In a day which will live on in infamy, Mario and friends went to Ford's Theatre to see an opera. At 3 minutes during the second intermission, Sonic the Hedgehog climbed into Mario's balcony seat.
Sonic delivered one shot, point blank into Mario's skull. The President succumbed to death shortly after, and Sonic The Hedgehog had successfully assassinated the acting President Of The United States. A plot to assassinate Vice President Guile was foiled, and a manhunt began to capture Sonic. Sonic leapt down to the stage, instantly breaking his leg. The normally speedy hedgehog known for holding up to 99 golden rings, though he had no pockets has been hindered. He escaped the initial pursuit, before leading police on a low-speed chase in his white Ford Bronco. His intent to visit his girlfriend, and use the computer. After arriving, and with police preparing to move in, Sonic sent out a myspace bulletin, because he was a gigantic faggot.
After sending this bulletin on myspace, Sonic the Hedgehog went up to his Seattle attic, met with his girlfriend Courtney Love, wrote a faggy depressive haiku, and finally committed suicide.
I'm already well aware that I didn't mention everyone. Too bad. However, I have included a final breifing a few other characters that deserved some degree of update.
Oh, boo-hoo. Yoshi sucked, anyways.
Also, to all of you must be wondering, "Who the hell is Norman Poophouse?!" The answer is simple- He's like Jesus, but if you tried to crucify him, he'd punch your mother in her stupid, flabby tits. Norman likes kittens, long walks on the beach, cocaine, and Pogs. He hates police officers, Jnco's, and the way Danny DeVito waddles. He was conceived in a tool shed, loves Rush, and his mother has a happy trail.
