Steve Irwin: A Eulogy

A TRIBUTE TO STEVE

Steve Irwin was a great man.
A conservationist, entertainer, family man, friend to nature...Along with a complete badass.
However, his death allows us to appreciate the splendor that was his magnificent life.

On the 5th day, God said "Let there be Steve."
On the 6th day, God said "Let there be sting rays."

Unbeknownst to the majority of the public, Steve Irwin was present at the birth of Christ.

Here is a painting of the birth of Christ.
You can see Steve offering a biblical high five to the baby Jesus.
He brought gifts of gold and Vegimite sandwiches.
Then, God himself blessed Steve with everlasting Earthly life.
As you can imagine, Steve responded with "Crikey!"

...Down in the pits of Hell...
Satan was plotting and planning.
The birth of Christ was living proof of the truth.
So, mean ole' Lucifer countered.
And if you knew the devil, you would be aware of his fondness for sting-rays. (And, Sham-Wow.)
Satan reached into a firey ocean, and created Glenn.

Glenn was the epitome of all that was evil. Most sting-rays were harmless, clumsy ocean creatures. Glenn was the devils ocean guardian.
His barb was laced with Lucifers venomous lies and the slimey extract of Courtney Love's vagina. His I-Pod was always set on Huey Lewis & the News. (Obviously, which Satan also created to torture mankind.)
Glenn knew that his destiny would result in an ultimate battle with Steve.

Meanwhile, Steve left his mark on the world.
(The gaps in time were pretty much due to Steve porking comely lasses, and inventing cool shit(Kittens, ice cream, and Atari.)

(1770)- Beethovens mother can't afford another child. She contemplates the abortion of Ludwig, but reconsiders after Steve arrives in Bonn, and wrestles the child from her womb, before crippling her with Boston Crab.

(1776)- Steve Irwin and Thomas Jefferson write the Declaration of Independence after drinking some Fosters lager, and juggling koalas.

(1865)- Steve Irwin decides that it's time for America to heal the wounds it's afflicted upon itself. He mediates the Confederate surrender at the Appomattox Courthouse, while subduing an awnry croc. Then, he drank more Fosters lager with General Grant, while convincing him to run for President.

(1910)- Steve Irwin dies for our sins.
The Lord is yet again disappointed by mankind.
God returns Steve to Earth, to finish out what he was sent to do.
Steve forgives. People ask themselves, "What Would Steve Do?"

Disclaimer: The hole in the O-Zone was due to Steve flapping his angel wings too hard, before he got to Heaven.

(1945)- Steve Irwin travels to Germany as an Aussie diplomat.
Steve and Hitler engage in a verbal debate over killing Jews.
Steve realizes the world needs dentists and bankers.

As Allied Forces attack Berlin, Steve and Hitler get into a physical altercation.
Steve single handedly destroys the Axis Powers with nothing more than a headlock, and audible cries of "Blimey!"
Being modest, Steve allows the government to formally name it V-E Day.
Disregarding the original name: "Steve Irwin Cockslapped the Homo Nazis Day."

(1963)- Steve Irwin time travels to 1963, with the assistance of a quantum time machine. His holographic friend from the future, Al assists his journeys with the help of the enigmatic Ziggy. Steve discovers that he's traveled to the past to repair a discrepency in regards to the JFK assasination.
Suddenly, Al notices a sniper in the Book Depository.
Low and behold, it's Glenn!

Steve gives it his all to protect the President, but alas.
His arch nemesis has succeeded in the assassination.

However, Al reveals to Steve his true mission.
Here's the crazy twist: He was actually sent to save the First Lady.
And like all of Steve's endevors- Success.

(1969)- The world witnesses a fake moon landing. You fucking retards.

(1972)- Steve Irwin and some queer astronaut with a moustache actually do land on the moon.
Steve doesn't need a space suit. He only needs Vegimite. Gravity still effects Steve.
...But, only because he feels sorrt for it.

(1992)- Steve sleeps. God takes a rib from Steve's side and creates Terri.
They get married, instantly.



By the way, Steve fucking loves Star Wars.
Steve has 2 children with Terri.
Bindi Sue, born in 1998.
And Bob, born in 2003.
(They're both already wrestling kangaroos and pissing off menstruating koalas.)

(1996)- Steve writes "The Macarena" and invents a quirky jig to go along with it. After realizing that it was all different sorts of gay, he donated it to some starving Mexicans. Steve never spoke of it, again.

(1999)- A small child screams in the supermarket.
And goth woman in the deli proceeds to tell Steve, "If that were my child, I'd have him killed."
Steve responds by telling her, "Crikey, if that were your child, you'd be on Jenny Jones trying to figure out which of the 7 blokes is the father."
That's post translation, mind you.
It actually sounded more like "Criokey, Eef thot wuh yuh choild, yu'd bay oon Jinny Jones troying t' figger oot wheech oof th' seeven bloke ees th' fothuh."
Steve loves kids. Hates goths and gangbangs.

(2001)- 9/11 occurs. It only happened because Steve was taking a nap.
Everytime you wake Steve from a nap, an eskimo eats a baby penguin.

(2006)- Glenn fullfills his destiny and thrusts his barb deep into Steve's heart.

Steve returns to Heaven, where he plays laser tag with Mr. Belvedere, and eats chicken with Wesley Willis.
The last words Steve whispered into Glenn's ear were, "This must be Home Depot, because I'm looking at a tool." Oooh, burn!!!
Nobody in the ocean likes Glenn, OR Huey Lewis & The News. (God, I can't fucking believe how horrible 'Sports' was...)
At the end of days, Steve Irwin will return, yet again.
.....Is this where you want to be when Steve comes back?

Steve Irwin Fact & Fiction:

Fact: Steve Irwin loves koalas.
Fiction: Steve Irwin..encourages Communism

Fact: George Washington would not tell a lie. (Because Steve would have kicked his ass.)
Fiction: Steve Irwin pees Mountain Dew.

Fact: Steve impregnated Teri with a hearty handshake.
Fact: Steve refers to Teri's vagina as his "Hot Pocket".

Fact: "Johnny Appleseed was actually just Steve Irwin feeding animals and exploring terrain.
Fiction: Steve Irwin masturbates everytime Men At Work is on the radio.

Fact: Steve Irwin allowed Sammy Hagar to drive 55.
Fiction: Steve Irwin shaved Sammy Hagars penis shaft, and put the pubes in a sandwich. (Ed Asner did that.)

Fact: Steve Irwin loves catapillars & watching Cop &..1/2.
Fiction: Steve Irwin can kinetically charge playing cards that explode on contact.

Fact: Steve poops soft serve chocolate yogurt.
Fiction: Steve enjoys handjobs from schoolgirls wearing lubed up mittens.

Steve Irwin Haikus:
(I am the hustler of haikus...But, feel free to submit your own.)

Goodbye, Steve Irwin.
We mourn your untimely loss.
All sting-rays are fags.

Conservationist.
Nature remains in your debt.
Let me pork Teri.

Crocodile kisses.
Australias sweet embrace.
Let me pork Teri.

Unforgotton cause.
Croc could not eat your baby.
Tan shorts, Always cool.

RIP: STEVE IRWIN.

P.S.: The bad Photoshop work is intentional. WWSD?