The Gentleman's Guide To Dating:
As instructed by Eric D. Foster. (The "D" is for 'Dangerous')
First off, let me issue a stern warning to all of you cry baby, bedwetting people of a sensitive nature. Stop reading, now. There are images and descriptions of a graphic, unnecessary and immature nature.
However, if you're easily influenced, lacking will power and searching for direction in life:
Take my hand, friend.
Let me lead you to the promise land.
Many of you ask me-
"Foster, how do I convince a broad to allow me to have consensual sex with her vagina?"
"Foster, I'm a reject and whenever I'm around women, they file restraining orders against me, and knee me in the gonads."
"Foster, how come no one does the electric slide with me?"
No more paying for prostitutes with peg legs and happy trail stubble.
No more handjobs from 11 year olds wearing lubed up mittens that won't look you in the eye.
The problem?
You're uneducated, and lacking discipline.
Before I explain HOW to lure women, you need to decide which broad is right for you.
There's plenty of ladies out there. All with advantages and disadvantages.
Some of them are friendly. Some of them have the herp. Some of them want to drop a steaming Yogi on your chest.
I've compiled a detailed description of all women.
Every one of them. They all fall under one of these vague, crude stereotypes.
Some women will tell you, "I'm a unique flower."
They're lying liars, and they have broken in catchers mitts for cooches.
The Whiny Emo Whore.
This chick is cynical pertaining to everything. There's literally nothing you can do to make her smile. She's incapable of upward oral reactions. Whiny Emo Whore enjoys cutting herself, listening to Bright Eyes and Simple Plan before crying herself to sleep. Her leisure time includes lighting scented candles, and posting horrible haikus on deadjournal.com.
She enjoys complaining about modern culture in coffee shops, while embracing the least talented and redundant variety on her I-Pod.
Punky Brewster.
She's got very sexy, wide hips and all different sorts of bells & whistles.
Fellatio can be had with nothing more than a liberal political rant and a brown jug of "XXX" labeled whiskey. Do not bring her home. She has little to no concept of social interaction. She will squat down to pee, outside. At the beach. During the middle of the day. During a birthday party for a small child. She's physically aroused by stuffing kittens into a burlap sack, then throwing it into a river. Intercourse can be initiated simply by informing her "If you're down with pee, you're down with me."
The Beef & Cheddar.
These women wear revealing clothes in order to convince men that their cleavage is due to something other than natural proportioning to the rest of their body. Notorious for her fellatio, and obsessive tendency to tackle the challenge of 'all you can eat'.
Ringing a triangle while not wearing pants should result in oral sex.
Encourage her to walk home afterwards, as means to lose extra weight. Crying burns calories.
Hollywood Bitch.
This uppity broad is high maintenance. She actually expects you to spend legitimate American currency on her. She's often seen searching for her herpie medication through her Coach purse, and texting her father, asking why her labia is so itchy.
However, she is very hygienic, buying herself Brazilian waxes every week, while dressing her dog up in sweaters and hats, not recognizing that she hasn't actually fed it in 4 days. Just imagine if Jean-Bennet Ramsey actually grew up.
White Trashley.
First off, I really wanted to draw a dead baby on the porch, but I was too lazy.
White Trashley is the epitome of Georgia. Barefoot and pregnant.
Wearing the same pink panties for weeks on end, with smeared menstrual blood and skidmarks. Smoking couch weed on the porch, watching tumbleweed roll across her driveway with the 1983 Pontiac sitting up on cinder blocks.
She keeps her aborted fetuses on the mantle of her trailer, next to her bowling trophies and Nascar collectible plates.
Growing a moustache usually puts you in the running to the father of her next abortion.
Try identifying with Garth Brooks lyrics, and mentioning that you find your cousins physically attractive.
It's pretty easy porking white broads, isn't it?
Red Headed Slut.
These chicks are frickin' crazy. Generally very curvaceous women, some resemble Pippi Longstocking with a high freckle ratio. But, the majority do have dumps like a truck, and voluptuous milk-bags full of Vitamin A(The 'A' is for 'awesome').
Red haired women DO have tendency to recycle douche nozzles. And they're all born with horrible lower back butterfly tattoos.
They also have Phoenix adjacent powers. Telekinesis, telepathy, etc.
They love to argue over trivial things. But, their doggy style fornication techniques have left men so dazed and confused that they actually think Dane Cook is funny.
Panda Express.
Submissive. Natural dry-cleaning, manicuring, and karate skills.
She does not come equipped with a tarp for bukkake, but one can easily be obtained from your local Mexican friend or Home Depot.
She has bad peripheral vision, so she can't see you slip a roofie into her sake'.
Good at math, but her pubic hair is pixilated, and she has a sideways vagina.
She may or may not 'rove you rong time.'
Take her out for orange chicken, and keep telling her how bad you felt about Hiroshima.
Black Magic.
She may try and "axe" you to use your "bafroom".
This actually just means she'd like to use your bathroom. Let her.
Black Magic is nice. You can literally bounce a quarter off her ass.
She's fond of KFC, Faygo Grape Soda, and watermelon. All which totally kick ass.
Don't try and dance with her. Unlike white people, she actually has a sense of rhythm. Ask her to "clap that ass." However, do not look directly at it without the proper eyewear. Outside the strip club, you may see her in full uniform. This includes Apple Bottom jeans and the boots with the fur. Everybody in the club, looking at her.
The darker the berry, the sweeter the vaginal excretion.
Cassie McCokeslut.
Cassie is tiny. Those who like super skinny women will love her.
She has Olive-Oil type limbs which flail around like a whirlin' dervish while geekin' out for a bump. Cassie actually can store up to 8 lbs of merchandise inside her vagina.
Most of it is cocaine, but sometimes she has a Rubix Cube or a PSP, which is nice to pass the time while she's thrash dancing to Lords of Acid and sweating like Courtney Love in a pharmacy. She will fornicate for coke, money to buy coke, or with anyone who may have a distant cousin who's roommate one time snorted a line, while watching Perfect Strangers.
Salt-Lick Lisa.
We all know her. She's got these tiny little Tic Tac looking teeth, surrounded by miles and miles of gingivitis ridden gums. Her large nose acts as a knife, stabbing into your torso during oral sex. She eats carrots. Wears generic, four-striped Adidas. Owns a Super-Cuts bang haircut. And listens to nothing but Sister Hazel and Blessid Union of Souls on her pink I-Pod. She's always jogging. From behind, many guys say "Daaayumn." Then, she turns around, prompting the response "EGAD!", or excessive projectile vomiting.
The pick-up line, "Hey baby, why the long face?" usually works.
If it does, she'll google your name all week, and write you love letters written with perfume and menstrual blood.
Mrs. Robinson.
Go to a bar. Mrs. Robinson will be there. At the jukebox. Playing hair-metal which reminds her of her high school prom. If you pretend an interest in Queensryche or Mr. Big, you should at least get a handjob in the back of her Lumina, next to a carseat, while focusing on a Tazmanian Devil window decal.
After that, she's pretty cool. No mind games. No drama. Try not to sell her kids on E-Bay, and you're a potential father figure. She's all thick, with those luscious child-bearing hips. Maybe some crows-feet developing in the optical region. But, she keeps in shape. Although, there IS a 35% chance that her vagina could actually be a Slip N' Slide.
Top notch cock-riding skills and she cooks a mean grilled cheese sandwich.
Just agree with how much of a jerk her ex-husband is, and you should be in line for a creampie.
Juggalette.
Careful. If you actually do come across a Juggalette, make sure to handle her with gloves.
Mostly found outside during the rain, Juggalettes make their way upwards through the mosit Earths soil in order to absorb minerals into their dense exoskeletons.
If you really wish to court one, try and rhyme while you speak, provide it with wrestling magazines, and Faygo. Although, it's an asexual being capable of reproducing with itself, it IS capable of inter-species relations. It enjoys having it's body hair sheered off, in the spring, and it's vaginal secretion can actually be used as a chemically heated oxidizing agent, to manipulate metal. Danger: All Juggalettes have dangerously low t-cells. Intercourse without the proper protection could be fatal.
In other words, Chick-ety check yo'self before you wreck yo'self, fool.
Patty Mayonnaise.
Patty is all grown up. She loves dinner at The Honker Burger.
She likes emo faggots wearing green vests, who write in their journals.
She's totally a scenester, now. With her polka dotted sweater, skirt, and Chuck Taylors.
You can probably find her at a Mates Of State concert, showing her beaver backstage.
Be careful. Patty began to get around later in her teens.
Her sexual partners include:
-Skeet Skeet Skeeter Valentine.
-Principal Bone.
-Mr. Dink.
-Porkchop.
On that note…Suddenly, Doug was a pretty screwed up show.
Polio Sarah.
Ever want a girlfriend who couldn't run away from anal sex?
One who doesn't need to spend a lot of money on pants, socks, or shoes?
Here you go. Polio Sarah is sweet. She's actually grounded, with a good head on her shoulders. You don't need to worry about her beating you in a foot-race, or grinding on the dancefloor with your best friend while a dude you went to high school with takes a bunch of upskirt photos and posts them on multiple message boards.
Actually, her vagina is mechanical. A series of censors and lasers compose most of it.
It comes equipped with On-Star and an HD DVD player.
However, if your house(or car) isn't handicapped accessible, you won't be receiving sex.
Plus if it is, vacuuming the tire tracks out of the carpet can be a pain.
Try impressing her with your hackey-sack skills, and casually bringing up how she can't do it.
The more you bring her down, the more she'll go down on you.
Bridget The Midget.
Imagine receiving fellatio while you AND your girlfriend are both standing.
However, if you're particularly gassy, do not parade her around on her leash directly behind you. She plays Frisbee. She tugs at the rope. She rolls over on command.
Plus, her little hands make your inferior wang look gigantic.
Her little limbs are structured like she's a fat baby. If she hasn't been spayed, her vagina is pudgy, and hairless. Her skull is huge. She often uses a hammock as a bandana.
Kicking her through the uprights, gives your team 3 points.
Downy Syndrome.
Don't call her a "retard".
Downs syndrome people are capable of delivering a top-notch suplex, rendering healthy, socially contributing members of society injured and embarrassed.
4% of America is injured at the hands of an angry retard, every year.
However, you can hide drugs inside her, and UPS her across the border.
One in every 4 handicapped people are vaginally full of illegal substances and paraphernalia.
They're a powerful specimin powered by emphatic waving and apple juice.
Okay, now that you've narrowed down your wish lists, it's time to learn exactly HOW to meet women. Perhaps you have a friend who converses with women pertaining to mutual interests. Or a friend who takes women out to nice restaurants, with flowers and men in suits playing the violin.
These men are douches, without a concept of how to relate to today's modern broad.
In order to physically arouse a whore, you simply need to understand biology, and how to appeal to her chemical make-up. It's a proven fact that the tear ducts and the vagina work in direct conjunction. Basically, if a woman cries, her vagina naturally lubricates simultaneously, due to arousal.
So, the trick is how to make a woman cry.
Thus, physically arousing them. The mental influence directly leads the attraction towards the member of the opposite sex who initiated the arousal tactics.
Resulting, in stanky on the hangdown.
"Foster, this concept is confusing. I still don't know how to talk with ladies."
Quit being a pussy.
Be direct. Be direct and insulting.
Find any physical flaw, and point it out rendering her self esteem immobile.
Inform her, that she'll never do any better, and that she's single because of some sort of personality disorder, or an unbearable vaginal scent.
"Gee, this all makes sense now! All women are glorified prostitutes, and none of them ever say anything which interests us. Their vaginas are our main priority, and I'll do whatever it takes to make them cry. Punch them in the kidneys, Insult her back fat, or tell her Santa Claus doesn't exist."
Very good. Now you're catching on!
I've compiled some helpful rhymes that you can remember in the field.
Follow these simple steps, and you too can be fist deep in ladies of a vulnerable and confused nature.
"Boy Foster, I know it all! There's no stopping me, now. I'm a hustler, baby!"
No, son. You CAN go wrong.
Just like the conception of Britney Spears' children, mistakes can still occur.
Use your common sense. Close your eyes, and feel out a situation.
Young Padawon, the force is strong within you.
Your Jedi penis will lead you away from the dark side of courtesy and treating women as equal human beings with interesting thoughts and opinions.
"What exactly do I say, when my fun parts are tingling with excitement?"
These generally work for me.
Try exclusively talking about yourself. Brag and boast about how many mint bitches you've obtained. Tell her about your huge genitalia, and how you tie balloon animals with it. Ignore her commentary, beliefs, and anything she says pertaining to anything other than her breasts, ass, or cooch.
"Eric Foster, where do I have to take this slut in order to obtain the beef jerky between her legs?"
Follow these steps, and you'll be the mack daddy, as well as the daddy mack.
"Okay Foster, tell me how to please myself, without allowing her any pleasure at all."
First off, you need to learn your penis.
Look down at it. Say hello. Tell it a joke or haiku. Make it feel at home.
Remember teamwork. Without your penis, you won't want to barbeque. You won't watch football on Sundays. And you may become susceptible to Brokeback Mountaineers, and romantic comedies.
"Okay, now that I've studied up on my penis, I'm ready to spit some bitches."
Slow down, shooter.
I'll remind you that it's physically impossible for any human penis to sustain length of over 3 ½ inches. You won't be 'splitting any bitches', but you sure can tickle her insides with your funny stick.
Chicks love toast.
"Foster, I'm scared. I've never operated a vagina before. Do I need safety equipment?"
I prefer a hardhat and safety goggles. Oh, I'm kidding.
I wear gloves and a reflective vest, as well.
Also used for extra lives while playing Contra for your Nintendo Entertainment System.
"YES! Foster, I put my weiner in some ladies hoo-hah! Someone give me a championship belt!"
Not so fast.
In order to become heavyweight champion, there's one more special maneuver to perfect.
Once you have the title, you can play it like a guitar, wear it over your shoulder. And finally bask in the reflection of a being pure, undisputed champion of an excellent and awesome nature.
Final lesson:
The Donkeypunch is like defating Mike Tyson in Punchout. Like finding all the space ship pieces in Toe Jam & Earl. Like getting all the pieces of the Gwar tickets in Beavis & Butthead. Like Johnny Cage uppercutting Goro into the pit of spikes.
The ultimate victory. The final feather in your theoretical cap of awesome.
Now, I set you free unto the world.
Go out, and pork comely lasses, my friends.
Remember your teachings, and unleash a brief and efficient fornication for some lucky broad.
Sincerely,
Eric D. Foster.
P.S.: I do not actually condone white people fornicating at a family reunion, hanging black people from trees, hiding drugs in retarded people, polluting in front of Native Americans, or putting Mexican women in the Boston Crab.
However, Asians eating ducks is always okay.
On that note, I really hope some of you took this seriously.
I actually love ladies. And I even pretend to listen and care about what they blabber on about.
For those of you lacking common sense and deduction, this is a parody...
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