Retro has made a triumphant return, as the heroes of the Confederacy and Union return from the dead in order to strut their stuff down the cakewalk.
Feeling sassy? Wanna make an impression on that special someone? Show the socially defined popular kids that you're dope as well as fly? I've got the ticket for you.
Meet General Ulysses S. Pants:
Ulysses is currently sporting his new khaki/casual line of pants. When he's not resolving war at Appomattox Courthouse, or leading the North to solidify the union...He's taking long walks on the beach, having a drink at a local pub, or naming all the kittens at the pet store. All in the casual, yet quasi formal comfort of his Ulysses S. Pants.
Professional enough to drink a Steel Reserve 40 oz. before speaking at Harvard. Yet fashionable enough to spit on his Enzyte enhanced, powerful genitalia and anally penetrate a preteen, 6 fingered Turkish maid. An all occassions pair of pants for the most rugged of men, who still identify with the younger crowd.
$39.99, available in plus sizes.
We accept paypal.
Introducing: General Stonewash Jackson:
When he's not crushing the yankees in the second Bull Run, and destroying Northern city-slickin' sissyfolk in Antietam. He's fingerpopping drunken harlots and doing so in style. The leadership, integrity, and hard nosed battle tactics of General Jackson earned the nickname "Stonewall". But, the past is past, and the future is now. After being mortally wounded by his own men in Chancellorsville, Jackson realized what he was missing 140 some odd years later-
Style.
The Stonewash Jacksons fill the spacious void in the lives of the toughest, most testosterone ridden men. While their sleek, tight fit show off a massive crotch bulge to entice even the most virginal, women of excessive virtue. Furthermore, commanding respect and awe from gentlemen fellows sporting inferior pant technology and penises. Notorious for the younger crowd, looking for score some pink up on their glorious dinks. Whether it be flying a kite in the park, assaulting a wheelchair bound WWII vet with a bayonet, or proclaiming "Eyyy!", while pointing and clicking at fine bikini clad ladies at the beach...The Stonewash Jacksons dedicate themselves to fitting your most flattering penile features. The ladies simply can't resist a gruff man smoking a cigarette, leaned up against a streetlight, as he's illuminated and displayed in all his Confederate glory and power.
$69.99, SOS pad crotch accelerator sold seperately.
Will not increase actual penis size. If discoloring in genital area occurs, consult a doctor immediatly. Could be side effect of a more serious condition.
Christmas packaging available before October.
And our latest feature...
The Robert E. Levi:
While battling Grant for cecession and their own specific choice of lifestyle, one doesn't necessarily need to do so without the assistance of fashion. The Robert E. Levi's provide the casual look for adults, while providing the essential features needed to continue a sassy and empowered existance for those who lead, rather than follow. The perfect pants for at home use, a casual dinner with friends, or to supervise supressed black people as they toil in the cotton fields, crying out for master's mercy. Hip enough to take your child to an all-white school, yet comfortable enough to masturbate to Princess Leah in her slave bikini during Return of the Jedi. The pants for all occassions. They command respect. They imply authority. And they certainly make the ladies want to "move it, move it".
(I'm talking about intercourse.)
The all purpose, utility infielder of pants. Still looking good, searching for the lost family dog in the rain, a town lynching, or some good ole' fashion, bare knuckle bukkake.
$19.99 on sale!
Ladder available by special request.
Do YOU want to slaughter Urkel with a rusty butterknife?
I do. There are no board certified doctors within our organization, but we have the prescription for you. Our countrys greatest heroes and fiends have joined together with one purpose:
Getting some stanky on your hangdown. Order our full catalog today.
Coming soon:
-The Abe Lincoln anti-assasination helmet.
-Slavemaster fake nose & moustache
-Watermelon handling fashion gloves
-Confederate "put your sister to the test" novelty condoms.
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